Why Do Dad's get so Much Credit for Helping Out with Their Children?

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The other day I saw a comic online pointing out how moms and dads are viewed differently particularly when out in public with their children. It was basically saying how there are parenting double standards.

For example, you see a mom at the grocery store with three kids and think, “Oh wow, she has her hands full!” however if you see a dad at the grocery store with three kids you think, “Oh wow, that is dad of the year right there!”

One of the illustrations was dad walking in with fast food for dinner-it was labeled “fun dad.” Then there was mom walking in with fast food for dinner-it was labeled “lazy mom.”

These sorts of ideas are so frustrating!

Mom and dad can do the same thing, but it is viewed completely differently.

Dad the “Helper”

Why are dads seen as helpers? I think this comes down to moms being the leaders and the dominant parent therefore the other parent is deemed to be helping.

This is from years of women staying home and being the primary caretaker for the children. I just want to be clear I love working moms and I love stay-at-home moms. I think both are very difficult in their own ways.

My problem is especially with working moms. Why should they be the primary parent while the dad is only the helper if both parents are working the same amount of hours?

We need to move past viewing dads as the helper.

Thanking Dad

One way this gets reinforced is by thanking dads or feeling like we owe them. For example, I often find myself thanking my husband when he gets up with the baby or does something around the house. He has corrected me on this and iterated that he shouldn’t be thanked for doing what needs to get done.

I think manners are important and building up your spouse is great. How often though do men thank their wives for getting up with the baby or completing a task?

Appreciation should be two-sided.

Moms should not be thanking their husbands for helping with their children. Not unless the husbands are returning the thanks to the mom.

This comes down to expectations and appreciation in your marriage.

Mom the Helper

Have you ever heard someone say, “Wow, she is so great at helping with the kids”? You simply don’t hear it! Nobody thinks she is a super mom for taking three toddlers to the store. She is just a mom getting done what needs to be done.

Moms are never referred to as the “helper”. They don’t get to just help out with the kids.

Moms are expected to do it all. They are constantly critiqued when they come up short.

Being a mom is often a thankless job and role.

Equal Parenting

You created your babies together. You are 50/50 parents. Dads need to start acting like it and society needs to start expecting it. Quit being surprised by the parenting abilities of men.

Encourage your husband to take an active role in helping with your children. Come up with systems and routines that consistently involve them. For example, my husband and I alternate nights putting our toddler to bed. It is great for her and great for us.

Another routine we started early on was that my husband took charge of bath time. You see I was a breastfeeding momma so he was a bit sidelined in the early stages. My husband volunteered to take on bath time. This was time he got with our daughter. In all honestly with getting home from work, nursing sessions, and bedtime he wanted to spend more time with her. Bath time was something he could handle and it gave me a break from parenting.

Check out my article, 10 Simple but Effective Tips for a Fun and Stress-Free Baby Bath Time.

It was also great when I got pregnant with baby #2. It would have been very uncomfortable to lean over and bathe our toddler with a big belly in the way.

Find a way to regularly incorporate your husband. Routines make it easy and put it on autopilot.

Raising Better Boys

My final thought on this is that we need to raise better boys to be better dads in the next generation. Encourage your boys to play house and take care of babies. Give them the dad role.

Teach your boys to be caring, kind, and gentle.

Boys and girls both can be rough and tough. Boys and girls can also be soft and caring. Quit stereotyping boys to only be rough and destructive.

Put strong male influences in front of your boys. Find in-person representation. If you don’t have that available find a children’s show or cartoon where the dad is extremely present and involved in parenting.

Raise your boys to be good dads. It is really up to you.