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Parenting is HARD.
You want to show your child love and support at all times, but sometimes they are being a terror.
They are throwing a fit or choosing not to follow directions. Maybe they are pestering a sibling.
Children go through emotional milestones. They don’t know how to handle themselves or certain situations.
Nobody is the perfect parent, but if you are struggling take a read at some of these tips for how to gently, but firmly parent your child.
The Basic Steps
Teaching
Standards
Response/Warning
Follow Through/Consequences
Teaching
I feel like some people would say “rules” however, I am going to call it teaching. Let’s say for example your toddler bangs their fork on the table. The first time they do this they don’t necessarily know they are doing something wrong.
That is why I have a problem with initially calling it a rule. First, you must teach them this behavior is not acceptable. And with that, it becomes a rule.
Teaching can also be an opportunity to show them how to do something correctly. I mean that is what teaching is right?
I think the teaching stage is the most important. Don’t tell your child to calm down if they have no idea what the word calm means. You can’t always rely on your words. You have to show them appropriate actions.
A huge part of teaching is communicating, which can take many different forms. Speak the words, show the actions, and give them the appropriate behavior to model.
Standards
You should have basic standards in your home. These are expectations that over time your children come to know and understand. This is something like food and drinks stay in the kitchen. It is a standard because you shouldn’t have to specify between different meals or times of the day. It is a general rule that is established for your home.
A major key with standards or rules is to keep them age-appropriate. You must recognize what your baby, toddler, or child can handle and understand.
I also challenge you to not underestimate your child. They can understand more than we often give them credit for.
Keep the standards fair.
Response/Warning
After they have been taught it is wrong as well as shown the correct way to do it you can wait for the response. Are they going to choose to listen or continue the wrong behavior? With this can come the warning for negative actions and the result your child can expect from continuing the improper actions.
For example, if you continue to bang your fork on the table I will have to take the fork away.
Consequence/Follow Through
You must follow through with what you previously said during the warning. Your child needs to understand that you mean what you say and that actions come with consequences. Do not make empty threats.
Also, keep your “threats” or consequences respectful and appropriate. For example, I wouldn’t tell my child I am going to beat their butt. I won’t do that so it’s an empty threat and it isn’t respectful to their body.
It is also important in your parent/child relationship that your child can trust what you say. Empty threats and warnings could impact your child’s ability to trust your word.
Your child should trust you equally when you say they are going into time-out or that you are going to the park later.
I do not recommend counting. Some parents have a situation like this…
Child: Coloring on the table.
Parent: Please do not draw on the table.
Child: Continues drawing on the table.
Parent: If you do not stop I am going to take away your crayons.
Child: Continues drawing on the table.
Parent: Ok I am going to count to three. One, Twwwwwwwwooooooo, Three.
From here the parent may follow through and take the crayons.
Either way, the parent gave a warning, but they counted as well. Why was counting necessary?
Give your child a second to comprehend your warning, but from there react swiftly. Otherwise, you are telling them their actions can continue while you count.
As far as consequences I have a few recommendations.
Whenever possible use real-life consequences rather than things like a time-out. I am not perfect at this but try my best.
For example, if your toddler throws their cup down from their high chair. You have explained that we don’t do that and asked them to stop. After they continue to throw it you then warn them that if they do it again you will take away their cup. If necessary you take away their cup for the next little while.
You may give them drinks periodically, but you are in charge of holding the cup. Maybe you take it away for about 5 minutes and then you reintroduce it at the meal.
You do what you think is best. The point however is that because you threw the cup the cup gets removed.
Throwing the cup does not need to result in a time-out or some other consequence that is unrelated.
Another way to look at natural consequences is to let them have their way and experience the consequences. If your child refuses to put a jacket on before going outside one way to look at it is we cannot go outside until you put the jacket on. This is a very clear and natural consequence.
The other option, which you should use at your discretion, is allowing your child to go outside without the jacket and experience how cold it is outside. Ideally, they face the natural consequence of getting cold because they refused to wear the jacket.
Have a pleasant conversation about why a jacket is a good idea. Don’t shame them for refusing to wear the jacket. The point wasn’t that you were right. The point was that your child learned.
Avoidance
Avoidance is my final piece of advice. It shouldn’t be overused, but at times can be the answer to your parenting problems.
If you constantly avoid problems then you are not teaching your child. You are avoiding tantrums and fits. You are avoiding complicated situations. You are delaying growth.
However, there are moments and circumstances where avoidance can benefit your child and parenting relationship.
If your child can’t seem to play appropriately with a certain toy it is ok to put that toy away for a while. Try getting it back out in a month or two.
If your child struggles with trying new foods do introduce something new at a large family gathering, rather do it on a private day at home. Avoid the potential tantrum at the dinner table.
I am not telling you though to never introduce new foods to your child because you want to avoid a struggle. If you never introduce new foods you are stunting your child’s growth to make your life easier.
Use avoidance sparingly and only when necessary.
Conclusion
Parenting is hard. We are all out here doing our best, trying to help our children grow up into wonderful people. We don’t always know if we are doing things the right way.
Do your best though.
See situations from the viewpoint of your child.
Stay consistent.
Stay firm.
Stay fair and calm.
Set your children up for success, not failure. When they fail pick them up, don’t beat them down.
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