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If your spouse or partner recently gave birth or is about to give birth this is the post for you!
If you are a new mom reading this and struggling with postpartum send this over to your partner for them to read and better understand what is going on with you.
After having a baby, especially your first baby, your life is turned upside down.
You both gain and lose during the process.
You lose a bit of yourself. You aren’t just Anna, Rachel, or Jessica anymore. You are also mom. Don’t get me wrong this is great! Being a mom is great, but you may also find moments where you miss just being the old you.
You gain this beautiful baby though and the new title of parent. Having a baby may be fulfilling a lifelong dream.
You are experiencing changes physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It is not just as simple as bringing a baby home to feed and change diapers. Having a baby is so much more.
Let’s deep dive into what a new mom is experiencing and feeling after giving birth.
Hopefully, this will help any partners out there that are feeling a bit lost. You may want to help and support your wife, but don’t know where to start.
Physical Support After Birth
Your wife could be in varying states of pain after birth. Some women get lucky and do quite well; others experience major tearing and C-sections.
Your wife may not be able to easily get in and out of the car. Literally, walk over and give them a hand.
Your wife may struggle to get in and out of bed. If this is the case bring the baby to them to nurse and do the diaper changes for them. Let them stay in bed during the night and even for stretches during the day.
If they are breastfeeding they will be experiencing physical pain when nursing. It is not easy in the beginning. With breastfeeding comes engorgement in the first few days. This can be uncomfortable. Encourage them to feed the baby to relieve the pain. Check out my article Help and Support for New Moms During the First 2 Weeks of Breastfeeding.
While breastfeeding your wife may experience postpartum cramps. This is due to the uterus trying to shrink back down. This can make breastfeeding even more overwhelming. Some women even become averse to breastfeeding and dread it.
Make sure they are not putting off or delaying feedings when you have a hungry baby. If this becomes the case it may be time to talk about pumping or moving to formula. Your baby needs to be fed.
Your wife is experiencing postpartum bleeding after birth. The level can vary greatly. During this time I felt disgusting. Your wife may feel the same.
Some women also struggle with bladder control after birth.
I constantly felt like I was peeing myself. Not sure if I actually was or not! I honestly couldn’t tell, but it contributed to me feeling disgusting.
And finally, you are physically tired. You are caring for a baby around the clock and not getting the sleep you are used to getting. Both of you should rest when you can. Encourage your wife to let the house go and nap when the baby naps.
I am sure I am missing a few physical aspects of postpartum, but that is a good list to get you started.
Your wife is going through a lot physically after giving birth. Do what you can to be helpful and supportive.
Emotional Support During Postpartum
After having a baby your wife will experience too many emotions to count.
Some very common feelings include: guilt, self-doubt, and feeling overwhelmed.
Mom guilt is a real thing. When you suggest she take a shower while you watch the baby she may have a hard time. Encourage her that she needs to take care of herself first to be the awesome mom she wants to be.
Guilt weighs on moms for every little thing. She shouldn’t feel guilty for taking a few minutes to herself to take a shower, however, she very well could.
A huge area for self-doubt is breastfeeding. Your wife may doubt her ability to feed your baby. Encourage your wife that she is doing a great job and that her body knows what to do.
Now if you do have any honest concerns about your baby’s weight gain consider finding lactation classes. They always have a baby scale. You could also go to your pediatrician’s office and ask to weigh your baby. I don’t think they would find this to be a problem. Just please make sure your baby is gaining weight.
Your wife may doubt herself in other ways too. They could feel like they just don’t know what to do or what the baby needs. This is where you go down the list. Are they hungry, sleepy, dirty, or in pain due to needing to burp? These are your most common issues.
I have found that sometimes a fussy baby just has another burp still in them.
Overall when it comes to emotions be prepared for anything and everything.
When your wife is feeling flustered try to be the calm they need.
Understanding Her Feelings and Emotions
You are not going to be able to understand entirely what their body is going through. You did not give birth.
You may find your wife talking about what things feel like. For example, if they do experience postpartum cramps. They may sound like they are complaining or trying to make you feel guilty.
This isn’t the case. They just want to explain their feelings because they want you to understand. They want you to share what they are experiencing.
Now there are other times when maybe they do just want to complain. One thing I complained about was missing being me and just taking care of myself. I just needed to express this feeling and let it out. I was simply complaining in that moment.
Some things you are able to “fix” for them, and others things cannot be fixed so just let them vent and express what they need to.
Your wife may also feel like it is all on them.
Do your absolute best to be involved fully.
Notice how I didn’t say the word “help”. You are not a “helper” you are a parent too.
A lot does fall on the mom though, especially if they are breastfeeding. The baby knows mom’s voice the best and quickly gets to know their smell. Babies tend to like mom most. Sorry.
But if you always say, “well they like mom better,” then you are reinforcing it. The more you get involved the more your baby will get used to you. The more you put on mom, the more your baby will want mom exclusively.
Don’t let your wife feel like it all falls on them. Get involved from day one.
What to do to Help Your Wife
Some quick things you can and should do include:
Say loving and kind words
Be sensitive
Let her cry when she needs to
Anticipate her needs
Get her food and drinks
When you are home do more than 50% of the baby’s responsibilities. Depending on if you are at home on leave or back to work either way when you are at home don’t just do 50% and call it a day.
Take for example diaper changes. Don’t go back and forth evenly. Take more than your fair share. Your wife will get stuck with plenty when you aren’t around.
Another great area to step up is with bath time. In the beginning you may work together to bathe your baby. As they get stronger though you could take this on as one of your responsibilities. My husband does 95% of our child’s baths with me only doing the rare 5%. Click this articles to learn more about bath time, 10 Simple but Effective Tips for a Fun and Stress-Free Baby Bath Time.
Your wife is also recovering from birth. I think it is reasonable for you to do more than half the work. She did plenty of work for the last ten months.
Give your wife breaks. Like I mentioned before tell her to go enjoy a shower while you spend time with the baby. If she is hesitant tell her you want to bond with the baby too. This should help alleviate her guilt about leaving the baby.
You could also tell your wife to go take a quiet walk outside or run to the store just to get out of the house for a bit. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you need to get out of the house. You come back incredibly refreshed.
Another huge tip is to establish a routine where your wife does not nurse the baby to sleep.
With my first baby this ended up happening, so far with my second, it has not. Often times my husband will get our baby to go to sleep at night. Because we do not nurse to sleep he is able to help in this way.
Check out my articles, 5 Reasons Why It Is Important to Include Your Partner at Bedtime.
Another thing you can do to help your wife during the postpartum period is to try to anticipate her needs and don’t wait for her to ask for help. Moms want to be able to do it all without asking for help. Asking for help makes them feel like they are failing.
Don’t wait for your wife to ask for help getting out of the car, run over and offer. Don’t wait for her to ask for food. Instead, ask her what she would like for a snack or dinner and take care of it for her.
A final thought is to consider the 5 five love languages.
If you don’t know what I am referring to there are books and quizzes to read about the ways you give and receive love. You could probably grab the book for free at your local library.
If you know your wife typically favors physical touch and gifts you may want to reconsider. Maybe flowers would make them feel special, but then again those flowers are not rocking the baby to sleep now are they?
Maybe your wife who once loved gifts would now better appreciate acts of service.
Honestly give all the love languages a try during this period. You can’t go wrong with too much love and support.
Conclusion
I apologize if this article seemed a bit all over the place. Postpartum and the emotions that come with it can get messy and complicated.
All you can do is your best to help your wife feel loved and supported after giving birth.
I ask you to not sit on the sidelines. Get in there and get involved. Having a baby did not just happen to your wife. You had a baby too and need to be with her every step of the way.
Check Out My Articles
The Top 16 Baby Products Every New Parent Needs: A Handpicked Selection
The Top 17 Advantages of Direct Breastfeeding Over Bottle Feeding
5 Reasons Why It Is Important to Include Your Partner at Bedtime
5 Affordable Postpartum Products Under $10 that Will Make Your Life Easier